The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 – The Final Nail in the Comical Coffin

22 Nov

So last Saturday I went to see The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2. Let me start by saying that I was under absolutely no delusions that it would be any good. Those delusions left me after the first film. That’s not say that I’m not well informed. Nothing annoys me more than people who pass judgement on a series or a trend without having seen it. I’m extremely well informed I’ve read all the books and seen all the films, so those people who would like to argue that I can’t pass judgement because I don’t know what I’m talking about. I do.

Why, you might ask, did I read all the books and see all the films if I don’t think the series is any good. All I can say is that the books are better than the films, the films have gotten progressively worse and I was young at the time I started being a fan. Like my love of massive amounts of chewing gum, it’s a habit that I can’t seem to break. So there I was in a Saturday session slightly ashamed but looking forward to the laughs that the films have continued to provide and let me tell you I wasn’t disappointed.

The one great comfort of Twilight films is that they are always entertaining, as the content gets worst the laughs increase. I nearly got kicked out of Eclipse I was laughing so hard. And I can say without restraint that The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 is the funniest of all the films. Of course this goes hand in hand with being the worst made film of the 5, which given it’s hideous predecessors is a big win. I mean for gods sakes it was up against New Moon, which combined the ridiculous chest and acting of Taylor Lautner and the moral hilarity of the message “if your boyfriend leaves town, try to put yourself in as much danger as possible until he comes back to you”. What a great example for young girls, I mean this film was almost an advertisement for the positive outcomes of suicidal behavior. And yet The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part 2 was better.

First there was Kirsten Stewart’s terrible acting. Sure her acting in the previous films was bad but a least in the previous films her weak as water, stare off into the distance, heavy breathing persona worked for her weak as water character. In this film she is supposed to be a strong, empowered vampire. Lets just say that watching Kirsten Stewart be strong, is an extremely uncomfortable experience, like watching a pig and goat make love, or Tom Cruise jump on a couch. It just feels unnatural.

Then there is the sex between Bella and Edward. This romance has become so sickly sweet and with so much gratuitous nudity, that all sex appeal has completely exited the picture. Plus Robert Pattinson’s chest is so concave and Ethiopian that seeing him shirtless makes my stomach turn. Seeing these two slobber on each other lost it’s impact way back in New Moon. Having a couple get together with no purpose just so the audience can watch, seems a little perverted. Even for me.

Then there is the nail in the coffin, the final hilarious moment that seems so terrible you wonder if you’ve accidentally stumbled into a Twilight parody by mistake. At the end of the film there is an awesome action sequence, a sequence full of violence and consequences. People die, important people and suddenly your wondering. Is this what it was like in the book, I can’t remember, maybe I was wrong about this series. Maybe I was wrong about Stephanie Meyer. I thought she was an author who didn’t understand consequences, who didn’t want to make any substantial decisions, who was afraid of her readers. But maybe I was wrong.

And then just as suddenly the world snaps back into focus and Alice declares that everything we have just seen was a vision. A scary vision but just a vision and now that the bad guy knows what’s going to happen he decides to go home. Yes he just gets up and walks away. No one dies, there are no consequences, just a lame happy ending. I wanted to throw my shoe at the screen. But then I decided I liked my show too much. Yes it was the ending that spits in the face of all other endings, the it was all just a dream ending, the laziest most unsatisfying ending ever.

No I wasn’t wrong this series is bad, a badly written series, that sets a bad example for young girls everywhere. But only if you take it seriously otherwise it’s one of the funniest films I’ve seen all year.


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